Outlet

The other day I talked about my discovery of how simple it was to make chicken soup with a slower cooker. I tried making it again and it tasted horrible so I need to do some major studying online to tweak my recipe. So please, if you were at all inspired by my crock pot chicken soup, you really should know what you’re doing before trying to make anything. Doesn’t mean you should be the best cook in the world. By “know what you’re doing,” I mean that you should find a tried and true recipe, or look up tips and tricks online, on YouTube, from your grandmother, etc. As I said before, I’m a newbie, and definitely new to this whole adult life thing, so I’m still figuring things out as I go, and part of the reason I started blogging was to help me figure out and process things in this new stage of my life.

You might wonder how I have the time every weekday to write a blog post. Well, I’ve done the majority of my blog writing at work.. (shh don’t tell). It’s actually fine though, because I’m currently a receptionist at an architecture firm, and my assignments at work come and go. Sometimes I’m really busy, other times I’m completely free to do whatever I want, as long as I’m at my desk and ready to answer the phone or greet visitors at any given time. It’s kind of an interesting “freedom with constraints” situation.. oh, the phone is ringing…

….Okay, phone call completed. Now back to blogging… Another reason why I started blogging is to have an outlet for myself. I’ve been journaling on my own as well in my lovely pastel green Moleskine journal given to me by one of my best friends Faith Buchanan. The reason why I started to get serious about writing down my thoughts, feelings, or just anything on my mind, was because I needed an outlet to relieve my depression. Living with depression is no fun. It sucks. There’s one really scary symptom that I’ve had recurring experiences of, called depersonalization. I think some call it derealism too – not sure if they’re the same thing, or different aspects of the same thing. Talking about this kind of experience would probably need a whole separate blog post, but in brief, it essentially feels like nothing is actually real, and everything is meaningless, because say, even the table in front of me – well, what’s the point of having a table anyway? What’s the point of everything? yada yada yada… and then it’s a frightening downward spiral and there seems to be no way out of this terrible “dream.”

I’ve taken medication, and I’ve also had regular therapist appointments (though work has prevented me from seeing my therapist for the past month, which is fine I think). It’s definitely worth it to seek help from doctors who have the professional training. I mean, I’m pretty sure they know what they’re talking about – just think about all the years of med school, the countless hours spent studying the nitty gritty details of our complex human body. Anyway, for a long time I was in denial about my depression because I felt that “you are what you think,” and I hated the stigma attached to it. It’s also invisible, that is, it’s not like a tangible illness where something in your cells or blood can explicitly indicate a defect. The psychological realm is so abstract, because that is where our personality is inhabited.

Anyway, my point is that despite finally coming to terms with my depression (acknowledgement is the first step towards recovery) and getting the medical help I needed, I would say that my mindset still had to have a radical change, because I was accustomed to my pessimistic tendencies and was always too hard on myself, and really, there is truth to the statement “you are what you think.” Dr. David D. Burns addresses this issue in his book, Feeling Good, which I’ve started reading. In my current battle to defeat depression and make a full recovery, my strategy is to learn as much as I can, to be educated and informed on the subject. It’s like war – the more you know about your enemy, the easier it is for you to win. So one of my goals is to read up as much as I can about my old friend Depression, who I hope to “unfriend” or make dormant in the long run.

So why am I writing? Right. An outlet. I’ve read articles online about journaling as a way of healing from depression – writing down every thought, feeling, WHATEVER is in you, and just write write write without an agenda. Even if you don’t know what to write about, just WRITE and let whatever comes out come out. The faster you fully acknowledge how you really feel, whether pain, bitterness, jealousy, fear – whatever – the faster the healing process. Not facing the problem head on really only bottles it up in you and ends up festering (speaking from my own experience). Blocking off the hurt, the pain, to avoid feeling it, may be a protection today, tomorrow, for the next two months, or the next year, but this only prolongs and makes worse the wound, because in the end, whether you like it or not, you WILL have to face it – whatever “it” is. So why not write away the hurt – every detail of it – by journaling?

Hence, I am on the road to journaling myself out of depression. Hence, I am also blogging, to help rectify and crystallize the information I’ve gathered to help me better understand myself. So this is really a self discovery process. And how lovely that you (the reader) can be a witness of this process! 🙂

I must say that the more I write, the more I’m noticing that the way I think is evolving for the better. Like, I’m happier! And I haven’t felt so motivated and inspired to live life to the fullest in a very, very long time. Oh, what a relief! What a release!

The more I write, the more I realize that I have a lot to say. With every blog post, I’m like man, I could go in so many directions from here, each direction being it’s own new blog post. But I’m limiting myself to only writing one post per weekday.

Author: Amy

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