Mental Health

Imbalances

I struggle with imbalances. I guess currently the struggle seems more real because of something called PMS. That mixed with clinical depression (with all the stigma attached to it – more on that another time, maybe). Imbalance to me is pretty much equivalent to inconsistency, which in the long run really leads to failure. But somehow, as inconsistent of a person I have been for as long as I can remember, I think I’ve turned out alright thus far. I mean, I think the majority of people respect me as a person.

Anyway, the reason why I’m writing this post is to help myself process and understand why PMS or just a mere physiological chemical imbalance can have such a strong influence on my entire well being, which in turn affects my relationships with others and throws me into a downward spiral of hopelessness. The funny thing is, I’m a perfectionist, so deep down at the core of my being I want my life to run smoothly and essentially to be perfect, and I always want to be happy and productive. The reality is, my life does not look like what I would like for it to be.

For example, after weeks of starting my new job and pressing snooze every single morning over and over again, and waking up at the last possible minute just to have barely enough time to still make it to work on time, I was not happy with the quality of my life. In fact, I was not happy with myself as a 26-year-old…If you round up my age, I’m practically 30! AHH!!!

Okay, so one day, I was like, no, I need to DO something about this waking up thing, and I realized that the way to take action to have an ACTUAL change in my daily life means that it’s not enough just to change the ONE thing that I want to change – doing so would probably not work in the long run anyway. I have to dig deep and get to the root of the problem. Surely there must be several factors contributing to the struggle of waking up just a little earlier so that I could actually have time to take care of my appearance adequately and have time to eat breakfast.

Clearly I’ve been a mess. I don’t think this is what a successful person’s life looks like. But, I decided that I have the potential to be whoever I want to be, and to live the way I want to live rather than living a life directed by “how I feel.” For me this is definitely easier said than done because clinical depression, keyword clinical, is a medical condition. It’s a sickness. It’s a legitimate PHYSICAL illness. And it’s powerful, but it’s invisible, so many people don’t seem to consider it as a real issue. To many, especially to Asians (which is my ethnic background), the symptoms of depression are attributed to laziness and lack of self discipline. Ouch, that hurts.

I am still figuring out how to attain to this aspiration of mine to live a stable, consistent, and productive life, which in turn makes me feel accomplished and HAPPY! 🙂 Trust me, I’m really trying, and I won’t give up, despite how much I’ve failed already.

So what do my efforts to “be better” look like practically?

  1. Take steps to establish a morning routine, which in turn means…
  2. Figure out an evening routine as well.
  3. And other stuff.

More on those things later – my approach, what I’ve learned – what worked, what didn’t work…

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